Listen To Others’ Stories

It was a Tuesday afternoon, no different from any other. I was writing an article and flitting between emails and social media messages. My mood was good- I was busy and tired, but happy with nothing particular on my mind. Suddenly, I started to feel a pounding in my head. It started in my neck and moved upwards through my face, my temples, behind my eyes, and almost through every follicle of my hair.

Then came a rush of warmth that radiated from my face throughout each of my extremities. The room started to spin, yet I remained stationary. Then, without warning, a tightness enveloped my chest. I felt like someone had placed their hands around my rib cage and was squeezing with all of their might. I was so confused, I had no idea what was happening, and I started to panic.

Getting up slowly from my chair, I left the house and walked to the pharmacy a short distance away. I could hardly see the floor and the pounding in my veins, and my shortness of breath seemed to get worse with each second that passed. I opened the door of the pharmacy and told the pharmacist I did not feel well. She took my blood pressure: 180/100, and with an ashen face, advised me to go to the hospital.

By the time I arrived at the hospital, I could not walk or see. My breathing was ragged, and nothing I could do would steady it. Thoughts swirled in my head, mainly the conviction that I was going to die.

The doctors were kind. They told me I was having an anxiety attack and prescribed me sedatives for the short time, and being calm and relaxed for the long term. The next day, I visited a heart specialist who asked me some questions about my life.

I explained I am a single mother who works 60-70 hour weeks. I work from home. I don’t have time to exercise. My work is stressful. I regularly get harassed online. My daughter is very demanding, and I struggle to find time to juggle everything. I have lots of deadlines. I drink wine to calm me down. I have no family around to help. Taking a day off is not an option. I tackle tough beats: human rights, corruption, media freedom violations, and organised crime. Navigating the pandemic with a small child and a demanding job has been challenging. Yes, I still have nightmares and flashbacks to the earthquake that made us leave our home for two weeks in 2019. Don’t get me started on my ex.

He looked at me, jaw hanging, and shook his head. “Alice,” he said, “you need to change your lifestyle, or you will end up in an early grave.”

I left his office under strict instructions; to take care of my diet, exercise every day, learn to manage my stress levels, balance my work, and take better care of myself. At just 34 years old, he was horrified I was suffering in this way, so young.

If I am honest with myself, I could see this situation coming for a long time. I may not be a front line reporter or correspondent from a conflict zone, but I had ignored the impact my work was having on me for too long. I love my job, and I would not change it for the world, but it was clear I had to start doing things differently.

During my career, my colleague and idol were assassinated in a car bomb. I was attacked by the Albanian government, who revoked my residence permit when I was pregnant and instructed their loyal media to smear me. I had to fight them all in a series of stressful court cases while pregnant and in the postpartum period. I experienced constant attacks on my work, personal life, family, appearance, credentials, and more, including in-person and online. I experienced a massive earthquake that killed 51 people, and I reported on live television with my infant strapped to me while the ground was still shaking. I interviewed people who lost their entire families while they were standing in the ruins of their homes. I also covered the developing pandemic as it gripped the whole world, including military tanks roaming the streets and so much unknown- as a person and a mother. 

All of these situations impacted me in various ways, whether I realised it or not. But I also realised that I had not dealt with any of it. 

Instead, I packed it away deep inside of me and continued working. My idea was that I had to be strong for my daughter and not let anything impact my work because that provided us with security.

What I did not understand was that I was almost killing myself in the process.

So from that day onwards, I changed my life. I put myself in therapy and took up running, started practising yoga again, and made sure to carve out time away from the computer. I made it clear to my colleagues that I would be away from the computer for an hour each day, as I needed to exercise and cook a healthy meal. I factored my run into my daily schedule, not giving myself a chance to duck out. I threw out any unhealthy items from the cupboards, quit alcohol, and reduced my coffee intake to one a day.

Another vital measure was letting go of non-essential work and learning to say no. Having always been a ‘yes’ person, I realised I had lost the balance between my work and duty and having a life of my own. I started using no, sometimes with an explanation and sometimes as a complete sentence.

But more importantly, every day, I remind myself that it is ok to be stressed and feel pressure. I acknowledge the challenges I face and allow the associated feelings to wash over me. When I run, I visualise what is stressing me out or play over a conversation that causes me stress. I then run through it, using the physical activity and sensations that come with it, to work through the issue at hand. Not to mention, the endorphins afterwards are worth it every time.

I am not saying I have the solution, but I have found what works for me, for now. More importantly, I have realised the impact stress has on our body and that even if we tell ourselves we are fine, that does not necessarily mean it is the case.

To be strong women, good journalists, loving mothers, or whatever else we want to be in our lives, we have to learn to take care of ourselves. Acknowledging the burdens we all carry and not harbouring shame for them, or comparing them with others, is an essential step for us to take. Once we have done that and learned to say “no”, we can start creating a more balanced and fulfilling life.